Today I am 3 days away from my surgery date - having a bilateral mastectomy, also known as a double mastectomy, with reconstructive surgery immediately following. Today has been one of the worst emotional days I have encountered to date, but then I was sent a gift!
The fear that has set in today is difficult to deal with (to put it mildly). I would like to just sleep the day away, but I can't close my eyes because I have been continually dreaming about drowning in a big dark lake. Therefore, today, my behavior is that of a 5 year old who is extremely over tired. Still organizing and cleaning as if a celeb is coming to visit, spent a couple hours crying, for no reason, and am just feeling way overwhelmed. I can't deal with the smallest of tasks today and I have no patience! Thank you to my girlfriend who hasn't slept either because of her very demanding job, and 'me', and big thanks to my mother who drops everything these days to answer my 16 daily phone calls, just to listen to me bitch and vent.
So, on one of my most challenging days to date, I was so thrilled to see photos arrive in my email inbox! About 3 weeks ago, I had a photographer take some professional shots of me, as a gift for my girlfriend for Christmas. The photos are to depict the me before surgery, when I was still 'me' and still felt like 'me' and still had all 'me' parts attached to 'me' body... the me that she fell in love with.
Well little did I know that these photos would end up being a healing tool for me, maybe more-so than a gift for her. Even from the photo shoot process, which was at first, extremely uncomfortable for me (Cancer does a number on your self esteem)... but my photographer was kind, funny, down-to-earth, and made me feel very comfortable and even sexy at times. I thank her very much for supporting breast cancer, for treating me so well, and for the wonderful experience that proved to be more of a gift to myself.
Today, it's about being grateful for the small things that put a smile on my face.