Darkness Before the Dawn

So in my continued attempt to remain positive, which takes great effort these days, I will say that although I feel like this certainly is the darkest place I have ever been in - I know that I am closer to the dawn... so I continue to see each day through. 

Yes, seems pretty deep... but the truth is, each day, I live moment to moment, just waiting for these moments to pass and all this to be over.  It's a waiting game and the biggest struggle is keeping the positive attitude that everyone claims is the most important part of this process.

Family and friends text me regularly and ask how I'm doing.  I've given up on trying to please others and tell them what they want to hear.  I tell them simply - "I feel like crap." They want to help - they ask what is wrong.  There's no simple answer.  It's not that I have a headache and can just take the advise of a loved one: "take some asprin sweetie, you will feel better."  Nope - doesn't work that way during chemo.

I have heard horror stories about the 3rd chemo.  And again, each person going through their own treatment is different.  I have my symptoms and complaints and they will certainly differ from others.  But one thing I found to be the same - "Though they may be different, the symptoms do come - and there are many!"

After my 3rd A/C chemo appointment, here are my complaints.  I really don't know what symptoms are due to the chemo and what symptoms are due to the anti-nausea drugs.
Here's the thing... If I had just one of these symptoms, it would make me very uncomfortable. Living with ALL these symptoms, every day... Becomes unbearable at times. And there is nothing that can be done about it... just wait.

• Nauseous
  
• Painful hard stomache ache
• Heartburn from hell
• Migrane
• Itchy and very dry skin
• Glasses hurt to sit on my face but I can't see without them
• Eyes constantly run
• Nose has been running for 3 weeks non-stop
• Crawling out of my skin with anxiety
• No energy
• Out of breathe if i do anything
• Hot/freezing/hot/freezing - from the inside
  
• Skin hurts
• Can not focus on any one task
• Creative side of my brain is fast asleep
• My mouth tastes like trash 24/7
• I am constantly starving as if I haven't eaten in a month. As soon as I eat, I get that gut-rot stomach ache full of acid... and it blows up like a balloon.

And that is all that I can think of right now... there may be a few that I forgot to mention but I tend to forget everything... all the time.

It will get better.  It will get better.  It will get better.  It will get better.

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