Follow this blog
  A Tale of 2 Boobies
  • Home
  • About Me
  • Breast Cancer
  • Skin Cancer
  • My Travels

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Chemotherapy

3/30/2014

0 Comments

 
Picture
While enduring the treatment of chemotherapy, the physical symptoms are a given.  Search any website and they will list several of the most common, such as hair loss, digestion issues, extreme dry skin, mouth sores, etc.  But much less talked about are the emotional symptoms of going through chemo.  I did a quick search, only to find mentions of how to cope when you are diagnosed, as well as information on the anxiety of recurrence after treatment is complete.  Where’s the support when you are quietly going insane DURING treatment?

It’s not what I feel, it’s what I don’t feel.  I don’t feel like myself.  Who am I?  Cancer was certainly not part of my life plan.  Neither was being bald. My insides don’t match my outsides. Or do they?  I feel like my insides are rotting and being poisoned by the chemo, and on the outside I am bald, my skin is pale and dry, and I can’t wear makeup or jewelry.  And I was all about the accessories!  Needless to say, my insecurity level these days is through the roof.  I don’t feel like myself, I don’t look like myself, I can’t think for myself like I used to… but I understand that to be called “chemo brain” and that story is for another day. 

Mornings are best for me but by around 3:00 in the afternoon and on into the night, I become lost in a state of confusion. The simple tasks and decisions are impossible, I feel sad and anxious but unable to complete anything I begin.  The mental depression gets worse with each chemo treatment.  The 4th AC chemo hit me real hard. So much so that my girlfriend had to stay home with me, while I lay sick in bed and just cried. Cried for her to take away the sickness, but knowing she couldn’t, the tears turned to cries for death to take me.

Insecurity and depression coupled with a serious lack of vitamin D can really be damaging to one’s mental state.  This is the part where others can be a huge help during treatment, even if you are stubborn like me and don’t want the help.   My mom and my girlfriend teamed up to gather support.  On my first day of taxol chemo, I was pleasantly surprised with two very special visitors.  Now, if asked ahead of time, I would not have wanted to see or talk to anyone, but what a blessing in disguise.

Shari is a nurse who used to work in this department but moved on. She made a special trip over on her lunch break to say hello and shed a beautiful smile! 

Beth, as pictured with me above, is the unstoppable force of energy that surrounds the Carol M. Baldwin Breast Cancer Research Fund of CNY, and has been instrumental throughout my process.  Five months ago, she made her first call to me and we talked for almost an hour.  Since then, she has been the strength and support for myself and my family that just can’t go without being recognized.  Thank you so much Beth for being such a bright light in our community. You are an inspiration!

So, my first day of taxol wasn’t as taxing because of the wonderful company and beautiful people surrounding me.  A few hours of good conversation and getting a few things off my chest (no pun intended), was just enough sunshine to cure my anxiety.  For the days to come, taking some prescribed medication might help calm my nerves since I have been reluctant to take anything unless absolutely necessary.  Also, now that I am in the taxol phase of chemo and am through my doses of AC Chemo, I can try to get some exercise and possibly eat better, which may also help my mental state.  Each day, all we can do is hope.


Picture
0 Comments
    Picture
    Picture
    Been There Survived That

    CANCER RESOURCES

    CANCER CALENDAR

    RSS Feed

    POSTS IN ORDER

    All
    001 Feeling A Lump
    002 Biopsy
    003 - Get Organized
    004 Google Before Surgery
    005 Fear Before Surgery
    006 Fundraisers
    007 Photos For You
    008 Hospital Packing List
    009 Mastectomy Surgery
    010 Pain Management
    011 Drains
    012 After Surgery
    013 Girl With Cancer
    014 Chemo Port Surgery
    015 Breast Cancer Benefit
    016 AC Chemo
    017 Hair Loss
    018 3rd Chemo
    019-wig-or-not
    020-chemo-depression
    021-chemo-walker
    022-taxol-anxiety
    023-silent-warrior
    024-health-insurance
    025 Chemo Long Process
    026 Chemo Products
    027 Pamper Yourself
    028 40 Going On 90
    029 Walk With Me
    030 Last Chemo
    031 Expanders Went Flat
    032 Hudson River
    033 My Tractor
    034 Hair Grows
    035 Exchange Surgery
    036 Port Removal
    037 Heaven Can Wait
    038 CureDiva
    039 Radiation Mapping
    040 First Radiation
    041 Radiation #8
    042 Radiation Bell
    043 Radiation Fatigue
    044 New Normal
    045 Radiation #27
    046 Radiation Ends
    047 Last Radiation
    048 Radiation Burns
    049 Final Rad Burn
    050-be-real
    051-ptsd
    052 Weight Gain
    053 MRI Brain
    054 Dear Cancer
    055 CNY Walk
    056 Golf Benefit
    057 Tamoxifen
    058 All About Cancer
    059 Awareness Month
    060 WhatGivesMeStrength
    061 Tamoxifen & Hair
    062 Hair Obsessed
    063 - Cording
    064 Hair Growth
    065 Cancerversary
    066 Connecting With Cancer
    067 Reflecting
    068 Scanxiety
    069 Survivors Guilt
    070 Cancer Photos
    071 Tamoxifen Again
    072 Basket Deliveries
    074 Group Therapy
    075 Capsular Contracture
    076 Reconstruction Repair
    077 Implant Surgery Photos
    078 Magazine Cover
    2014 CNY Events
    2015 Events
    2016 CALENDARS
    2016 Events
    5 Years Later
    BadassBBQ
    Before After Photos
    BOOK OneYearWithCancer
    BOOK - OneYearWithCancer
    CANCER FACTS
    CANCER SONGS
    Chemo Jokes
    CNY Cancer Book
    CNY Resources
    Early Detection
    General Blogs
    Heart Card Campaign
    Inspiration
    Komen 3Day
    New Normal
    Radiation
    Radio Interview 2015
    Reduce Stress
    Statistics
    Tamoxifen

I prefer not to be defined by cancer, but my life has certainly changed because of it.
Today, the simplicity of life and small moments of joy is what drives me.
Thanks for following my journey!