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Starting Tamoxifen...AGain

4/8/2015

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Today is Wednesday April 8, 2015.  Yesterday was my 7th psychiatry visit with Dr. Hafeez, who has also had breast cancer.  I began seeing her after my last visit to the Oncologist, when I AGAIN adamantly refused (against medical advise) to take the prescribed drug Tamoxifen that they want me to stay on for 10 years. 

Most of my visits with Dr. Hafeez involve me talking way too much, way too fast. Basically, I walk in the door, vomit from the mouth for an hour and then walk out.  So much so that during my previous visit, we did a 5-minute meditation, which  involved just sitting and breathing – no talking or thinking.  It was the first time I ever tried meditating and it turned out to be very calming.  (The guided meditation app is called "Simply Being" - $1.99 in the app store)

Anyway, getting to the tamoxifen point here… somewhere between therapy visits and learning to love myself after cancer, I have come to realize that doing NOTHING to keep the cancer away is just stupid.  For me, this drug came with terrible side effects when I originally began taking it and then stopped after just 34 days last September.  (You can read that blog post here.)  My hope today is that the chemo is completely out of my system now and the hair loss won’t be as bad, as well as the weight gain and the hot flashes... oh and the mood swings.  I also did some research on my tumor that was removed back in Dec of 2013. The path reports reads that it was grade 3, which is the worst kind of tumor to have.  I know I have looked at this information in the past, but I do think my vision is a bit clearer these days, now that the active part of cancer treatment is over.

The Komen website says the following:

“Tumor grade is a way of classifying tumors based on certain features of their cells. The grade of a tumor is directly linked to prognosis.  

Using a microscope, a pathologist studies the tumor tissue removed during a biopsy to check:

  • How much the cancer cells look like normal cells (The more the cancer cells look like normal cells, the lower the tumor grade tends to be.)
  • How many of the cancer cells are in the process of dividing (The fewer cancer cells that are in the process of dividing, the more likely it is that the tumor is slow-growing slowly and the lower the tumor grade tends to be.)
Together, these two factors determine the tumor grade.

These grades are usually classified as: 

  • Grade 1. The tumor cells look the most like normal tissue and are slow-growing (well-differentiated). 
  • Grade 2. The tumor cells fall somewhere in between grade 1 and grade 3 (moderately-differentiated).
  • Grade 3. The tumor cells look very abnormal and are fast-growing (poorly-differentiated).
For any given tumor size and breast cancer stage, prognosis is poorer with a higher tumor grade. Many other factors also impact survival and for any given tumor grade, survival varies greatly depending on these factors.”

This is just one example of many that defines my specific situation with my breast cancer, which justifies taking the drug.  So, last night I took the first pill.  To some, it might seem like a simple task and an easy fix to keep the cancer from spreading… but for me, it was excruciatingly difficult to swallow.  Every bit of my being does NOT want to take this pill… but I want to live.  Always a damn trade off with cancer.

Here’s my apology in advance to those that have to deal with any mood swings that may come.   I am aware of the possibility and will try – real hard – to keep my attitude in check.

I made a vow to take the drug for 3 months... we shall see how this pans out and hope for the best.

UPDATE TO THIS POST:
By day 3 - night sweats and horrible night mares are back.
By day 8 - night sweats, hot flashes, nightmares, nails are very soft and peeling, very fatigued, feel exhausted by mid day.  Trying to walk dog daily and doing outdoor yard work to help keep the body in motion.

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The Big Tamoxifen Debate

9/24/2014

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After completing the 6 weeks of radiation, I began my Tamoxifen regimen of one pill a day to keep the doctors away,  I have taken it now for 33 consecutive days. I kept a positive outlook and was determined to be one of the lucky ones who had minimal side effects.  Nonetheless, I am not feeling so lucky right now.

Something is missing from the photo attached to this post which shows my left armpit, which is NOT the side that got radiation. 
If I said I haven't shaved in 3 weeks, could you make an educated guess as to what is missing?  You betcha, its HAIR!

I ended chemo on May 8, 2014 and about a month later, my hair began to grow back.  Throughout the whole radiation process, I saw significant growth. So much so that my 5 minute showers had turned into 20 minute showers! 

At this point, my showers are down to about 8 minutes. My eyelashes are falling out again and there is no new hair growth - anywhere.
This is a deal breaker!

They offered me a drug called Effexor, to help with the hot flashes and they recommended exercise to help with the fatigue, and the weight gain.
  Those are things that can be controlled.  Hair loss is not something that can be controlled.  Some suggested a vitamin called Biotin for hair and nail growth - well I tried that and it didn't work.

Guess I am off to the doctors again to fight with my oncologist about the benefits vs the risks.  I can say one thing for sure - I am not living the next 10 years hairless!



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I prefer not to be defined by cancer, but my life has certainly changed because of it.
Today, the simplicity of life and small moments of joy is what drives me.
Thanks for following my journey!