I am angry. But more than that, I am tired of being angry. Way in the beginning of this process, about 6 months ago, before the mastectomy surgery, I was told that the surgery, the chemo and the radiation will increase my chances of living longer and it was all meant to improve my quality of life. At every doctor visit, I kept hearing that this is a long process and I need to be strong. Well, I am grateful that these treatments are available so I am able to live a longer life, but right now, I am so desperately tired of the piss-poor quality of life I am living. I certainly don't live my life like I have been given a death sentence but I feel so STUCK and I haven't really been 'living' at all.
I do miss my energetic personality (and my hair) but I do not dwell on the past. I have made plans for this to be one of the most memorable summers. I think I am on a mission to make up for lost time. Lucia (my better half), takes care of me day in and day out. I feel awful for what I have done to her quality of life. My youngest daughter Lillie stays very busy these days (out of the house) and who can blame her - there's nothing in this house but a sick mom. It's depressing. Family dinner was always an important part of our day and I can honestly say that I have probably made dinner only a handful of times in the past 6 months. So, my 'after chemo' mission is to make happy memories with all the people who have been negatively affected these past several months.
I hurt all over. I am in between my 6th and 7th chemo treatment. I had 4 A/C chemo and have had 2 Taxol chemo treatments so far. The taxol is easier to deal with but really it is just a trading of symptoms. I have traded the extreme nausea for extreme bone pain. It hurts so bad to walk sometimes. And strangely, I am so much better in the morning/early afternoon. By 3pm, forget it, forget going anywhere, forget doing anything. The many symptoms of taxol chemo can not be ignored.
Well, all the medical professionals were right. This is a LONG process and I am so tired of it all. I don't feel strong. I don't feel courageous. I feel tired. Mentally and physically tired. The only word that means much to me right now is HOPE. I have one month of chemo treatments left and then I HOPE things will get better. I have six weeks of daily radiation treatments after chemo and I only HOPE that the side effects are minimal and my quality of life gets better - as well as the life of those that are so closely affected by this awful disease.