It's 22 days past my last radiation treatment and I am happy to report that the burns are almost gone.  I am feeling more and more like myself every day.  I am left with the joint pain and hot flashes, both of which were caused by the chemo.  I feel like I have no right to complain and I should just be grateful that all the other side effects have dwindled away.

If my calculations are correct, I have lost 18 pounds of the weight that was put on during my chemo days and those wretched steroids I had to take in order to subside the nausea.  I have a follow up appointment with my oncologist next week and I plan to get a confirmation of my weight loss. 

My better half purchased Shaun T's T25 weight loss/workout program for me about 6 months ago but I haven't started it yet.  Yes, I am procrastinating! For now, I am slowly weaning myself off sugar and I'll get to the whole exercising activity... LATER!

It's been 15 days since my final radiation treatment.  I have very mixed emotions, both mentally and physically right now.  I am thrilled to have completed the last leg of my invasive treatments against breast cancer, and I am also grateful not to have to make that daily drive into the city for appointments.  But I struggle emotionally with the "what now?" question.  10 months ago, I was told I had cancer and of course in my mind, I heard "you are going to die." 

Well, I didn't.  I survived. 

I know I've said this before, but the things that once mattered, now seem so unimportant and vice versa.  I've slowed down, ALOT. I take joy in the simple things. But where does that leave someone who was once only content running in high speed and in manic mode? I now spend my days trying to find purpose. 

Physically, my energy level is coming back and that's certainly a plus.  The radiation burns got worse before getting better and the dead skin is now beginning to peel off.  So, again, there are pros and cons to my current physical situation.  Which is essentially really great!  What if there were no pros?!

My recent trip to the annual Great New York State Fair was almost unbearable.  Between the hot flashes in 90 degree weather, the skin on skin rubbing under my arm where the radiation burns are, and the joint pain that persists as a result of the chemotherapy, I was in rough shape.  The good news is that this year there was no need to pull my hair into a hair-tie... #blessedtobebald in this heat!

The next leg of my treatment plan is to take the estrogen blocking drug, Tamoxifen for the next 10 years.  I started taking it the day after radiation and have yet to notice any major side effects.  There is hope that I will be one of the lucky ones and the symptoms of this drug will be mild.  There is also a chance that the side effects won't kick in until around 3-4 weeks.  We shall see.

Here's to the hope that this will be the last radiation therapy treatment for the rest of my life!

Six weeks ago I was terrified during my first radiation appointment.  I quietly cried on the table in that room all alone after the steel door closed me inside.  I was clueless and scared about this next step of my treatment, not knowing what to expect or how invasive it would be. 

Now that I have one final radiation treatment left, I am able to asses the situation from a more knowledgeable place.  My medical team assured me that this would be a piece of cake compared to chemotherapy.  They should feel lucky that I have enough respect for them that I choose not to give them a bloody nose or black eye for saying that radiation - or any part of cancer treatment - is  a 'piece of cake.'  Oops...did I just write that?

The radiation side effects may be different than those during chemo but the fact is that there are still side effects, so I wouldn't call this a piece of cake.  I felt physically worse, but was able to do more during chemo.  On a good day two months ago, I could spend 8 hours shoveling mulch, but today I am only able to walk for about an hour and my body wants to give out due to the fatigue that is so common during radiation.  The joint and bone pain from the taxol chemo has had long lasting effects and is now extremely uncomfortable and much worse than when I was actually getting the dose.  I had my chemo appointments every 2 weeks.  Radiation is every single day and my better half will be the first one to tell you that we will be overjoyed tomorrow, knowing it will be our last daily drive into the city.

As I end this phase of treatment, I offer a sincere thank you to the radiation team for their smiles every day along with the pleasant atmosphere they provided to me during this six week period. And no, the technicians in the photo above are not part of the medical team that assured me this would be a 'piece of cake!'

Thrilled that tomorrow is my last day of radiation because I don't think my skin is going to hold out much longer.  The only thing that helps at this point is a bag of frozen vegetables.

Today was radiation #27.

The radiation burns are on the right side of my chest, on my back from where the beam went up from underneath, and the worst of all is under my arm where they radiated the few lymph nodes that remain.

A favorite of all the cancer terminology is "NED", which means "No Evidence of Disease." Since there is no cure, this is what every cancer patient waits to hear.  In order to get me to "NED", my treatment plan includes surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.  Everyone's treatment plan is different but lucky me, I get all three. 

If I said that the symptoms of radiation are mild compared to chemotherapy, that would be an understatement.  But let's NOT compare... since not everyone has to have chemo. 

At treatment #21 out of a total 28, I have some skin redness on the radiated area and it hurts like a sunburn, but the worst of all the side effects is the fatigue.  And when I say 'fatigue' - that is an understatement!  I am completely exhausted  and there are moments when I absolutely can not move.   I will be in the middle of doing dishes and something comes over me and I have to drop and run to the couch.  It's not a tiredness that makes me want to sleep, it's more of a body tired that makes me not want to move.

I wish I could sleep.  All the 'defects' I lived with before cancer, such as insomnia and restless leg syndrome are so much worse after going through the treatments, but I knew that would happen because I was pre-warned by the nurses and doctors.

So let's add it all up:  Previous insomnia now inflamed along with the previous RLS that is also now inflamed on top of radiation fatigue; AND let's add in the fact that for at least 6 more months, my body will still be recovering from the chemotherapy treatments.  This makes for a VERY tired (and very cranky) girl. 

Here is my official apology to my very patient friends and family who stick around and put up with my terribly cranky attitude. Especially you Mom, who listens to me bitch every single day but still picks up the phone when I call. 

I am currently in the radiation phase of my treatment for breast cancer and have 7 more days until I am complete.  The process of radiation is tedious and quite boring but I recently learned something new that excited me.  After reading a tweet that said "last day of radiation today, can't wait to ring that bell!" I became curious because I remembered seeing a bell in my radiation office.  I wondered if she went to the same treatment location as me...

I know this will surprise those of you who know me or have read past blog posts, but I googled this bell thing to learn more.  Yes, I googled it and spent a good couple hours learning all about the history of this bell.  The short of the story is this:

"The now-widespread tradition was introduced in 1996 at the MD Anderson Cancer Center when U.S. Navy Rear Admiral Irve Le Moyne, a patient with head and neck cancer, installed a brass bell at the main campus Radiation Treatment Center."

I became friendly with a woman who I have seen in the waiting room at my treatment location.  I asked her if she planned to ring the bell on her last day and she unenthusiastically replied with a 'maybe.'  But her husband said "If she doesn't ring it, I will!"  Yesterday was her last day, so I waited for her to walk out of the radiation room and then I ran to get her husband - I watched as they rang the bell together. 

The truth is that it seems a bit silly to ring a bell... nothing happens when the bell sounds so really, what is the point of this tradition? Honestly, I have no idea but I do appreciate having something to signify the end.   Can't wait to ring it!

I was told by the medical staff that you won't feel anything during radiation.  While this is true as you are laying on the table, it's 'not so much' true just after the treatment.  The area that had been radiated is warm to the touch and for me, feels like I have a sunburn with swelling. 

Today is a beautiful sunny summer day with a temperature of 85 degrees, and I sit inside with the central air flowing.  Not how I prefer to spend my summer, but who is complaining...  This past weekend, we hosted my daughter's high school graduation party and were blessed with weather just like today.  Though it was so nice to see everyone that came out to celebrate with us, the hot sun on my skin, along with my hot flashes that come every 10 minutes, made for a very embarrasing day for me personally.  I wish I could say that I was glowing with gratitude just to be alive, but the truth is that the treatments that will hopefully put me into remission have left me terribly insecure and uncomfortable in social settings.  I miss the me that used to thrive at parties and welcomed the opportunity to gather with friends.

Today was my 8th radiation treatment and the area of skin being radiated has turned red. Fabric touching my skin makes it feel raw so I am wearing an oversized t-shirt, and guessing this is how I shall roll for the next 5 or 6 weeks.  Cancer is far from classy!  Thanks Carissa for the XL t-shirt you bought me for Christmas a couple years ago!

OH - and my hair is growing back pretty quick, although coming in PURE GRAY!  This photo shows my hair growth at 2 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since my last chemo treatment.

In the photo above, you can see that two of my rings are still being worn on my pinky finger because I am still too swolen for them to fit back on my ring finger where they belong.  I have had to wear them this way or not at all, for over 3 months.

At only 40 years old, I have a full head of gray hair, bone and joint pain that makes it hard to walk, hot flashes all day every day, sun burnt radiated skin, and chemo brain to boot.  But again, I forgot that I am supposed to be glowing with gratitude.